Balancing

I am very sure that this moment is about balance. I haven't lost it, not at all. I am in balance, like this day—the first day of Spring.

Because it is a beautiful day (cold and windy, but bright) I'll be able to photograph a project I've designed and plan to publish on Ravelry. And I'll be able to go to Long Beach and take a walk by the water. And then, I'll be able to come home and work on my resumé (and a couple of Great White Bale spreadsheets) in the afternoon sun. All this, because my life really is as it is meant to be.

It's a process

Today is the fourth anniversary of my surgery, the day I began many long months of recovery and treatment and recovery from treatment. Coincidentally, it's also National Cancer Survivors Day. I've been a bit stubborn about adopting the "survivor" label, but I think it's time. I don't have cancer any more.

It's a process. Cancer is a process. Treatment is a process. Healing is a process. Surviving is a process. The process has been hard on me these past few months, harder than I thought it would be by now. I needed to remember that it's different for everyone, that we're all on our own timeline. I needed to stop and rest, stop plowing ahead.

It took a while for me to realize that for me, healing and surviving isn't simple. It's hard work. Careful management of my lymphedema, the leftover effects from chemotherapy, a seismic shift at my job, and losing my mother — my plate is full. I've been working on it. It's a good process.

So, today is the fourth anniversary of my surgery... I'm looking back, but I'm right here. I'm trying to be right here.

Peace Love & Yarn Bluebird BFL Sock Yarn (Thank you Liz!)

Love came down at Christmas

My sweet mother had a difficult relationship with Christmas. She loved the idea of it, and she loved all our family's traditions — she created many of them, after all. But Christmas also tended to disappoint her sometimes, especially when it wasn't picture-perfect. In a family of nine, things were rarely picture-perfect; we didn't notice, but she did.

When we were growing up our parents created a magical time for us every year, and Gig's creativity and ingenuity were woven through the season — themed Christmas trees, pfeffernüsse cookies, actually-delicious fruit cake, beautiful arrangements of greens and decorations that filled the house, a Christmas morning that was staged as carefully as a Broadway theater set — and often, there were gifts she made herself.

My mother loved to sew. She sewed for most of her life; her mother was a seamstress as well. She made most of my sisters' and my clothes when we were growing up — in the early 1960's she made my sister Sarah and me two beautiful Easter outfits that included reversible linen coats — and she kept at it long after I was grown. When the grandchildren began arriving, starting in 1970, she kept sewing, and she concentrated on Christmas.

Each year seemed to have a theme — I wish I could remember them all. The nightgowns and footie pajamas, stick horses, teddy bears, pillows in the shape of letters for each child, shiny stuffed fish. There might have been dinosaurs, and there must have been others that I just can't remember.

In March, when I came home from Gig's memorial service and that short but amazing visit with my entire family, something began to take shape in my knitter/auntie/crazy-woman brain. What if I were to knit something — some little something — for those nieces and nephews, and their children, the way Gig had sewed for them? Just because I love them. I would be casual about it, and I would knit throughout the year. Things I might want to knit anyway, with yarn I probably already had. My Family Project began.

So I knit things all year long. When I finished, there were seven scarves, five pairs of mitts, and fifteen hats. For my family, and their families and beloveds — for Melody, Sylvester, A'Court, Cynthia, Susan, Ava, Lindsey, Chris, Oliver, Emily, Kylie, Jacob, Amy, Sophie, Sam, Dylan, Will, Rachel, Rebecca, Ben, Angela, another Dylan, Varan, Valerie, Kaiden, Robin, and Matt.

The photo is a link to the Family Project  Flickr page.

On this Christmas morning I am imagining my family, all opening their little packages, smiling as they remember how much Gig loved us, and I hope they know how much I love them. And wherever you are, whoever you're with — and picture-perfect Christmas or not — I hope this day is filled with love that wraps you up in a warm hug.

"Love came down at Christmas,

Love all lovely, Love divine;

Love was born at Christmas,

Star and angels gave the sign."

Christina Rossetti

Two birthdays

Sunset • Long Beach • Sag Harbor • 4/24/11

The first is the one my mother gave me, fifty-six years ago today. The second is the one made possible by Dr. Pearl, some very powerful medicine, and my own perseverance: two years of No Cancer. My birthdays share the same week, and almost the same day, so it makes sense that I've spent this week pondering.

I've been thinking about my mom, and all the birthdays she made so special for me, and for my whole family. Her cakes are legendary. I asked Judy to make me a lemon cake for my birthday dinner on Sunday, and she did, and it was amazing. There was also a BookHampton cake on Monday, with candles and everything. I'm so fortunate to have good friends who are also my family.

I've been thinking about Dr. Pearl, too, and all the people who made my second birthday possible. I'm grateful and lucky and still in awe of his artful doctoring (with a nod to my own fortitude). I've said it before, but it bears repeating: his art and my magic are a powerful combination.

I want to celebrate my two birthdays for years and years to come, so I promise myself that I will wake up every morning and make my life better — somehow, in some small way. Happy birthdays to me.

Ten on Tuesday: Happy Birthday

Shadows one moment...

It's always somebody's birthday! In fact, this evening I'm heading over to Judy's house to help celebrate her mother's 96th birthday. Louise is my Other Mother, and I can't wait to give her a hug and a kiss, and the little box of rugalach I just picked up at the Blue Duck Bakery.

But ten ways to have a happy birthday? I tried, but I just can't improve on Carole's list. After all, it is her birthday today!

...and shadows the next.

Happy Birthday everyone, whenever it is!

Magic

Life is just a bowl of cherry tomatoes.

Two years ago this week I began chemotherapy, and this morning I had my sixth post-treatment checkup with Dr. Pearl. My exam and test results were so encouraging that we were both smiling, happy, laughing. We have done an excellent job.

I’m always anxious in the weeks leading up to each visit. First, about a week before my appointment, I must go in for my blood test. I have routines for this ten-minute non-event — small rituals, really — that I’m sure will make everything all right. They include predicting how low the number will go (this time I decided on 12, and I was spot on). Then I wait. Sometimes Fairy Godmother Nurse Sylvia has a chance to call me with the results before my appointment, sometimes not.

When the day arrives — always a Thursday — there are more routines and rituals. Leave at a certain time, wear my good-luck earrings, listen to happy music in the car, park in my favorite spot at the Cancer Center. If I practice this magic, then all will be well. Moment by moment, I settle in. Breathe deeply, relax while the blood pressure is being taken, get comfortable while I wait for Dr. Pearl.

All I am doing is preparing myself. I must be prepared. No matter how much time passes, no matter how well I feel or how good my blood test is, I must be prepared. I know the percentages for my case. I know what all the chances are, and what the time frame is, too. I’m not watching the calendar, but I'm aware of it. I understand my odds, and in order to thwart them, I must be prepared, and I must practice these small bits of magic.

What Dr. Pearl does is practice his own art. He is, I think, spectacularly capable of creating the treatment plan that will, along with my participation, make me healthy. I see him only every few months, but each time I do, I’m reminded of just how blessed I am to be in his care. His art and my magic are a powerful combination.

When the appointment is over, when he has congratulated me, and I have thanked him, I take my time getting dressed. I need time; I have time. I make my next appointment, and it will be in the future, and the nurse smiles, because I know she knows that I am thinking, “Wow, the future.”

The final ritual in this cycle isn’t magic, but it’s necessary. I go to my car, get in and close the door, and have a little cry. Then I give myself a pat on the back, and go forward.

Or maybe it's a loaf of cherry bread.

Next time

I knew I would start another Baktus, but it took me a few days to decide on the yarn. This is Sundara Fingering Silky Merino in "Slow Sunset," which was a gift to me when I was sick, and I've been saving it for the right project. I think I'm making this one for someone I've been missing lately, and I hope she'll like it.

Since I had to start over last time, this time I remembered to measure the yarn first, and divide it in half. The label says the skein is 500 yards, but I wound almost 650 -- I know Sundara is generous, with her yardage and many other things, but wow! -- and I'm so pleased that now I can knit and knit and knit until I'm done.

I'm staying close to home today, something I must do on my days off if I'm going to make it through the summer. This is such a busy, important time at work; it always is, every year. But I wish I could jump in the car and go to Judy's house. I wish I had made a plan. I wish I weren't so tired, and that I didn't feel like I have to rest first and put fun second. Next time, next summer, I'll add it to the schedule.

Today, though, I'll cheer up about having a day to put my feet up and rest, drink iced green tea with limeade, and knit on this beautiful scarf. I'll watch A Capitol Fourth like I always do, and I'll smile as I miss my family and remember all the times we went down to the Mall to watch the fireworks.

(One time our big brother drove us downtown, to the far edge of the Tidal Basin, and we found a place to sit in the deep darkness, under the big trees where the ground was hard and cool under my bare feet. Another time, years later, I sat on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with Judy and Peter. It was the Bicentennial, and everything was bigger that year. Ah, good times!)

I hope your Fourth is capital, too!

This is the life

Ah, yes...

So here it is: my birthday, time to add up all the responses to my Souvenirs and a Celebration post, and make a donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation and its Women's Cancer Network. The grand total is... 105 comments! THANK YOU! Thank you! I began by wanting to give as much as I could afford, and when I decided to invite you to participate, I had no idea that I would receive so much in return. Your beautiful stories have been such a joy to read. I'm inspired by all of you, and by all the love and life that your words contain.

This has been, for me, a month spent marveling, pondering, and feeling. Cancer is part of my story, and it always will be, but it's a good distance behind me. I still feel the need to carry a little bag of preparedness with me, though, like a first-aid kit. It's packed with the skills cancer gave me, and some spare determination, along with a portion of the wisdom I've gained so far. But this baggage, unlike what I've been lugging around until now, is light. It's there just in case, to reassure me in those moments when I want to glance back over my shoulder. 

The road under my feet feels safe, and I'm ready to navigate this new year, and the next, and the next. Whatever is in store, I'm here, and I'm smiling. And I thank you all.

Now for the goodies -- yarn, and beautiful pictures of my landscape --

Two skeins of Sundara Yarns DK Silky Cashmere in "Spring Fresh": 

Louise, who commented on 4/5 at 4:34am
(please email me with your address, Louise!)

A skein of Sundara Yarns Fingering Silky Merino in "Marina over Icicles":

Elizabeth, who commented on 4/21 at 5:35pm
(please email me with your address, Elizabeth!)

Two skeins of Spirit Trail Fiberworks Ananke in "Calypso":

Bailey P., who commented on 4/5 at 3:19pm
(please email me with your address, Bailey!)

A skein of Spirit Trail Fiberworks Orihime in "Shoreline":

Ellen, who commented on 4/7 at 6:30pm

A skein of Spirit Trail Fiberworks Sunna in "Garnet":

Luann!, who commented on 4/6 at 1:37pm

A copy of Jake Rajs' book Beyond the Dunes:

Reya! who commented on 4/4 at 6:12pm

I've contacted Ellen, Luann, and Reya -- Reya! -- and I hope Louise, Elizabeth, and BaileyP will see this and get in touch so I can send them their beautiful yarn.

Now that the anniversary has come and gone, and the party is winding down, I think I'll relax, do a little knitting, and keep enjoying this life. Thank you again for making it a wonderful month, a wonderful year, and a happy birthday!

Bounty to share

 

I had an email from my friend Jennifer Heverly, who is the genius behind Spirit Trail Fiberworks. She's been following my celebration giveaway and reading all the wonderful comments, and she asked if she could contribute some yarn to the prizes I mentioned the other day. Seriously, how could I say anything but yes and thank you? So here they are -- three of Jen's beautiful new yarn bases, and her description of each:

Left: "Two 147-yard skeins of Ananke in 'Calypso', 100% Bombyx silk, DK weight. The color is really more of a rich, light turquoise blue. I figured two skeins would be enough for a  scarf or shawlette, or a fancy hat or mitts..."

Center: "One 430-yard skein of Orihime in 'Shoreline' (this is a brand new yarn, 430 yds per 100g, 80% merino and 20% cashmere). A couple of sample knitters used this for lace and said it was wonderful. The color actually has some bright spring green in it that somehow didn't get into the photo."

Right: "One 350-yard skein of Sunna in 'Garnet' (one of my new favorite colors). It's 75% Superwash merino, 15% cashmere, and 10% Bombyx silk, sort of a heavy fingering weight." I used Sunna for a pair of Hedgerow mitts, and I can vouch for it -- it's just beautiful.

Jen will be at the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival this weekend, May 1st and 2nd. Please visit her booth in the Main Building (A30) if you'd like to snuffle and swoon over a lot of incredible fiber and yarn. And please give her a great big hug from me!

I'll be closing the comments on my Souvenirs and a Celebration post tomorrow, Wednesday, at 7:00pm EDT. Then I'm going to have a little drawing using the nifty random number generator that's part of an app in my phone, and I'll post the winners here.

If you'd like to read some lovely stories, and leave a little story of your own, please take a look. I hope to be able to respond to everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts and celebrations -- but in the mean time, I hope you all know how much your words mean to me and to everyone who has read them. Many thanks to Margene (of the perfect heart), Chris (of the cats who make Annabelle smile), and Sydney (of the ferrets whose antics rival those of Chris' cats), for sharing my post on their blogs. My world has gotten so much bigger this month!

Sur-prizes

It's tulip magnolia time...

Even on a hazy day, they're opening...

Today their branches were the perfect place to pose some of the prizes for my Gynecologic Cancer Foundation fundraiser and giveaway...

First are two skeins of Sundara Yarns DK Silky Cashmere (160 yds each, 55% silk & 45% cashmere) in "Spring Fresh," a color Sundara chose for me. This is one of her newer yarns, and it's just beautiful. It would make a soft and warm cowl or scarf.

Next is a skein of Sundara Yarns Fingering Silky Merino (500 yds, 50% silk & 50% merino) in "Marina over Icicles," a yarn that Sundara sent as a little extra prize (Thank you, Sundara!). I'm knitting Anne Hanson's Boxleaf Triangle shawl with FSM, and I have a "collection" in my stash -- I think it's my favorite (after Sock, of course).

And last, though not posed in a tree, is Beyond the Dunes by Jake Rajs. I want to share this book because it captures the beauty of the many landscapes and the extraordinary light that surround and inspire me. To the rest of the world this place is known as "The Hamptons," but to those who live here it's just home, on the East End of Long Island.

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment on my April 4 post by 7:00pm EDT on Wednesday, April 28 (my birthday!). I'll draw three names at random and contact the winners by email.

I hope you'll add yours to the (yay!) 64 responses so far, and that you'll pass the word. With every new comment, I'm revising my idea of what I will be able to give -- upward. I've never been a "cause" person, but this one, of course, means the world to me. 

Dr. Pearl, Nurse Sylvia, my friends & family, and all of you, aren't charitable foundations, so one way to spread my gratitude around is to make the biggest donation I can to an organization that does so much for me and for all women. I hope you'll join in my fun!

::-::-::

In the not-work part of my life, I've been spinning like a crazy fool ever since I received some very special fiber from Jen at Spirit Trail Fiberworks. It's Bluefaced Leicester blended with silk, cashmere, and merino. There will be pictures eventually, but at the moment I'm in too deep to want to stop to take one. For now, take a look at the fifth picture down in this blog post. Now you see what I mean, don't you? And excuse me as I publish this and get back to spinning while the light is still good!

Random numbers

1. Corn muffins with fresh raspberries are a good way to start a Sunday. I keep trying new things in my corn muffins. The pumpkin seed experiment wasn't too successful, but the raspberry one was.

2. The breakfast that included the corn and raspberry muffin was delicious. I have more muffins, for more breakfasts, or whenever the mood strikes.

3. Am I the only person who thinks that a nice stack of towels just out of the dryer is a happy sight? I can't be.

4. Targhee from A Verb for Keeping Warm is also a happy sight. I've spun two ounces of a medium-fine singles -- half of what I have -- and I hope to spin the second batch this week so I can ply them. My plied sample is so bouncy, it's like a rubber band. I'm getting better at spinning on the Reeves, but I'm sure there a few thick and thin spots in the yarn. I don't mind, because I love what I'm doing. 

5. Right after I took that picture I turned around to go into the house and dropped the bobbin. It bounced down the long flight of stairs, and all I could do was watch. It's cracked across the whole end. If it had been an Ashford bobbin I'd think, "Oh well, I have about a dozen of them." But this is one of four. I can have it repaired, but I'm also going to be smart and order a few more. They have to be specially made, because of course, Rick Reeves doesn't make wheels any more.

6. I'm still hoping for more comments on my April 4th contest post. Right now there are 58 wonderful responses. The prize yarn should be here in a day or two, and I'll post photos on Wednesday. I've also picked out a beautiful book to give to a random non-knitter. 

More comments = a larger donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation = a small step toward better information and more research on women's cancers. 

7. The wisteria leaves have begun to grow. Finally! I say the same thing every year, I'm sure. And the oak trees are doing that pollen thing again. I'm actually hoping for a day or two of rain so that some of it might get washed away!

A little more spinning

I washed my Busy Bee scarf this morning, and I felt very brave. I've never even considered washing handspun in the machine, but this was Superwash Blueface Leicester, so I went ahead and did it. I like the results! It's so soft and has a nice halo, and it kept its shape just like socks do. I wouldn't have chanced it if the scarf were delicate, but this is a sturdy 2x2 rib.

I love it! I think it will go into a box of potential gifts. You never know when a handspun, handknit scarf might be just the ticket. 

One of my other accomplishments for the day is this little skein of yarn that I began spinning on Wednesday. It's Wensleydale wool in a color called "Blue Sky Indigo" from A Verb for Keeping Warm. I had two ounces, so my plied skein is just about 100 yards. I'll figure out what to do with such a small amount after it's set and washed. In the mean time, I had a happy time playing with the fiber and my Reeves wheel.

I'm waiting for my order of Targhee top in "The Shore," also from A Verb for Keeping Warm. April is Targhee month in the KBOW Woolalong, and since I seem to be in a spinning mode, I'll go with it. It should arrive tomorrow, so on Wednesday, after I get back from renewing my driver's license, I'm going to spin the rest of the day away. That's the plan, at least!

::-::

Before long, there'll be yarn to post about -- prizes for the end-of-the-month drawing for comments to my Souvenirs and a Celebration post. I have some lovelies to show you! If you haven't commented yet, please do. My donation to GCF grows with every one! 

Your comments have been so thoughtful, and they keep me thinking, too. There are all kinds of celebrations, both sweet and bitter. Bitter and sweet make life, I think. We don't get one without the other.

We are going

As I write, there are forty-four comments on my Sunday post. The stories  -- some sweet, some sad -- are all full of heart and love and life. They remind me that we are all on the same road, more or less. All these small messages -- I can't believe how many -- are so powerful. Thank you! My little idea to make a donation to GCF is growing every day, and all I can say is Wow!

These photos are of the Euonymus Pieris japonica (thanks Kris! I should have asked you first!) at Judy's house. I took them on Sunday as I was getting out of the car, even before I went into the house. The big bush just reached out and pulled me across the driveway, into its shade. I love the flowers' waxy pinkness, and their light, sweet scent. I could hear bumblebees buzzing around as I got in closer.

Dana Jennings has written another beautiful article in the New York Times, about life after cancer, and he got me thinking about what lies beyond the anniversaries. The everyday "miracles in a minor key" are what he looks for. And he says "I love who and what I love more deeply than ever." Amen to that!

So -- I hope you'll leave a comment on the Souvenirs and a celebration post, if you haven't yet. I'd love to hear about your anniversaries, or even your "miracles in a minor key." For every comment on the post by April 28th I'll make a donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation, and I'll also be drawing names at random for some beautiful yarn (wait until you see!) and a book or two.


Here are the words to the song in my last post, the ones I sing as I travel through the day (or as I wash the windows, which is what I did today!):

Woyaya by Sol Amarfio and Osibisa
We are going, heaven knows where we are going,
We'll know we're there.
We will get there, heaven knows how we will get there,
We know we will.
It will be hard we know
And the road will be muddy and rough,
But we'll get there, heaven knows how we will get there,
We know we will.
We are going, heaven knows where we are going,
We'll know we're there.

My soundtrack

"Woyaya" from Art Garfunkel's 1973 album "Angel Clare."  

 (It's not about the video; it's about the song, which I've loved since, oh, about 1973.)

~:~:~

Help me celebrate my anniversary by commenting on yesterday's post!

Souvenirs and a celebration

It’s been a year, one whole year since my last chemotherapy treatment. Since any treatment for endometrial cancer. A year since my goal was to make it through the day a step at a time. One year of No Cancer!

This first anniversary weaves itself in and out of my days. I remember what a struggle it was to do anything, from getting out of bed, to doing my job, to knitting. I smile when I think about all the love and care that came from my family and friends, and of all those people I don’t know in real life, too, like some of you. I can still taste saline and heparin and taxol if I think about it. 

I can’t help but stop and think about what I was doing, where I was, how I felt at this moment, or on that day a year ago, or a year and a half. And I think about it this way: I’m proud of myself. I worked hard. I tried to be honest. I hope I became wiser. I wanted to find myself here right now, recovering and happy, and I did.

There are remnants and reminders of the journey -- souvenirs, as a dear friend put it. A little blurred vision, still tender lungs, a slightly less efficient heart, swelling in my legs, numbness in my toes. Souvenirs, including the one inch scar where my port was, which reminds me every day that I set my whole body and mind on reaching the land of No Cancer. I accept them, because I arrived.

But now it's time to celebrate! On Thursday I shared the evening with some of the women who spent so many hours with me while I had chemo. I loved seeing all of them together, around a table piled with delicious food. We toasted me, we toasted Dr. Pearl. If you know me you'll think I spent the evening in tears, but I didn't. We laughed and I smiled, and it was the best way to celebrate the year!

I want to make my anniversary last, so I have an idea. We all have anniversaries -- days or moments we remember, that we look to to help us mark time. Leave a comment, and tell me about an anniversary that you celebrate, big or small. I want to know what makes it special and memorable. 

For every comment on this post between now and my birthday on April 28th, I'll make a donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation. It's a wonderful organization that supports research and promotes public awareness of gynecologic cancers, and it's been invaluable to me since my diagnosis. Its Women's Cancer Network was the first website I visited that helped me make sense of what was happening to me. With your help, I want to do more for them.

There's more, because I want to spread my happiness around a little. At the end of the month I'll do the random number thing and somebody will win a prize! If the winner is a knitter, there will be yarn. If not, there will be a book.

So what do you say -- want to play along? I hope so!