Fresh

I've been making sure I have flowers on my desk. Just a few tulips, usually. I buy them with the groceries, and pretend they are food, which I guess they are — food for my eyes and spirit. I smile whenever I look at them. Tulips don't have much of a scent, but there's a cool freshness that surrounds them like an aura.

Flowers on my desk are such a small way to lift my spirits. Are there little things you do for your Self, too?

Permission

I could feel it building, deep inside, and in my shoulders. It began to keep me from taking deep breaths. I know myself well, and I saw where I was going.

"I'm on the verge of being too hard on myself," I told a friend. The response: "Give yourself permission to dream. You're right where you're supposed to be."

That's the best advice I could ever ask for.

So today, among the housekeeping and knitting and coming and going, there will be dreaming. I have permission.

Balancing

I am very sure that this moment is about balance. I haven't lost it, not at all. I am in balance, like this day—the first day of Spring.

Because it is a beautiful day (cold and windy, but bright) I'll be able to photograph a project I've designed and plan to publish on Ravelry. And I'll be able to go to Long Beach and take a walk by the water. And then, I'll be able to come home and work on my resumé (and a couple of Great White Bale spreadsheets) in the afternoon sun. All this, because my life really is as it is meant to be.

Being at home

I've been spending almost all of my time at home, for weeks now. First, there was the move that the bookstore was making, and there wasn't going to be a place for me to work until things were settled in the new space, so I brought my office home. That fit the timing for the surgery I was going to have, which meant that I'd need to be home to recuperate.

The surgery (repair to scar tissue left from previous surgeries) went well, but the work did not. I was working on our website as usual, but while I was, the bookstore was making some hard decisions. The website was eliminated, and so was my job.

Losing my job is a subject for another time. What I'm thinking about today is how much I love my home, my tiny space, my little calm place. It was remade by my sister Sarah when she came to be with me for the surgery, and on the final day, just a few hours before she had to leave, we took pictures of the amazing transformation. My mother's dresser, her little overnight case on top; my knitting spot on the couch, the new television. There's much more that you can't see in one photograph.

And there in the middle: the beautiful, beautiful quilt Sarah made for me, which she put the finishing touches on while I was sleeping.

There's no place like home, is there?

Rethinking

Sometimes a knitter has to face facts. Not every project—no matter how well-advised, well-planned, or well-executed—is meant to be. My two skeins of Solitude Wool Border Leicester were well on their way to becoming Weld, but I made so many mistakes along the way (my own fault, not the pattern's) that I quit while I was behind and cast on Dovetail instead.

I love it. It's big and warm and beautiful. It was a joy to knit, and it was just the sort of knitting I've needed. I'm happy that I changed my mind, and I'll knit Weld again, but this Dovetail was meant to be.

What do you do when your knitting is going wrong?

Passing time

Rosemary says "It's time to get up."

Oh, this Rosemary is quite a cat. She has me, hook, line, and sinker.

I seem to have been missing again—I'm sorry. The past few months have been so busy, so full of work and knitting and new adventures and yes, a few challenges.

In knitting, there was Rhinebeck—a weekend of new traditions for Rebecca and me, since Rachel and Judy couldn't be there. We had some fun anyway.

Coffee at Gigi's

The beautiful gardens at Bard College

There was the Knitter's Review Retreat, my annual dose of knitter love. It has to last the year.

Inn on the Lake, Canandaigua, NY

And then... there came The Great White Bale. I'll have to write later about the loveliness that is my job as Clara Parkes' Director of Customer Happiness, but let's just say I'm having the time of my life.

And those challenges—well, they're the kind you just rise to meet. My visits to Dr. Pearl continue to be happy ones, although I'm in need of surgery to deal with some scar tissue, and it's scheduled for mid-February. I'll keep you posted.

Being a Jane

Rachel and her Jane (2010)

I had an encounter yesterday that didn’t evaporate during the night, and that is still sitting in my gut. A woman I know fairly well—my age, with grown children, who thinks of herself as a feminist, a forward-thinking and compassionate woman, and a nurturer—made some remarks that astonished me, and left me reeling a bit. I have a few things to say about it.

First, some background: I’m not a mother. I didn’t give birth to or adopt children. Rosemary, as dear as she is to me, is a cat and not a substitute child. 

However, I am a kind of parent. I am a Jane. There are children in my life, all grown now, who have counted on me, come to me, needed me in mundane and extraordinary circumstances. I changed diapers, read bedtime stories, had adventures, dried tears, watched “Milo and Otis” too many times, rocked babies, cooked meals, righted wrongs, gave advice, helped with homework, enforced rules, endured more school plays than any parent I know, gave first aid, made mistakes, played Go Fish, and cheered from the bleachers at little league games. I didn’t want to be a mother to all those children, because what I was and am is as satisfying and just as necessary. I am Jane, their Jane, the one and only.

Those children—the ones going off to college or raising children of their own or venturing out into the great big world—know the difference between their parents and their Jane. The parents—their actual mothers and fathers—have for the most part fostered my relationships with their children. There are benefits to them, too. And being a Jane, like being a mother, is a real job.

So back to the conversation: I was explaining to the woman I know fairly well that I'm going to spend part of Labor Day weekend taking Rachel to college in Maine. I’m one of her parents, I said, and I have the same responsibility to her as you do to your children. Her voice grew so chilly that I’m surprised the phone receiver didn’t ice over. It’s not at all the same as it is for me and my children. Not at all. It’s not as important. 

Where did that come from? I know that she is proud of the children that she and her husband raised, and that she loves them deeply, and that they have grown up well because of that. Somehow I threatened her, and so she tried to obliterate the truth of what I was saying. I began to get angry, really angry. But in a split second I decided to hold tight to what I know—that there is more than one kind of parent—so I waited. She flailed. I don’t know the history of your relationship with Judy’s children, she said.

No, Woman I Know Fairly Well, you don’t, and it’s too bad.

Obviously, her children never had a Jane of their own, poor things. There must have been no room for one, no room for someone else to love them, befriend them, or take care of them. They missed out on the fortune of having an extra parent, the awesomeness of having a Jane.

What does this have to do with knitting? I don't know, but I'm going to knit while I ponder.

Give or take

Baktus with eyelet edge in Sundara Sock "Cactus Flower"

I've been knitting. Finish one thing, start something new. Small things — a scarf, a hat, a pair of mitts. I'm working on what I've come to call The Family Project. That's all I can tell you!

Honey Cowl in Spirit Trail Fiberworks Paivatar, unnamed colorway

Foxgloves in Filatura di Crosa Zara

 There's more.

Simple Ribbed Hat in Bijou Spun Himalayan Trail

Maine Morning Mitts in Sundara DK Merino the 2nd, "Lichen Over Slate"

Saroyan in Sundara Fingering Merino Cashmere "Ocean's Edge"

Foxgloves in Briar Rose Cashmere, unnamed colorway

This represents much of my knitting from April through September, give or take a sock or two, and at least one scarf and hat. And there are other things on the needles or in my head, too! I'm not insane, just inspired.

Hitchhiker Scarf in Sundara DK Silky Cashmere, "Spring Fresh"

 I started this Hitchhiker scarf yesterday. Must keep moving.

With all this knitting going on, the set of Darn Pretty Interchangeable needles I got at the beginning of the year has turned out to be the best investment I've made in my knitting since, oh, my umbrella swift and ball winder back in 1978. They are absolutely worth the wait, and they really do have the best join I've worked with.

Rosemary Likes Knitting, Too

Oh, and I do still have my day job!

Fifty-six Hours

That's how long I was without power at home during and after Hurricane Irene. Not too bad, considering that there are many people here on Long Island, and right here on the East End, who don't even know when theirs might be restored.

But fifty-six hours was more than enough. At least I could go to work, where we had power the whole time. At home, I was just uncomfortable and stressed and done. This house gets its water from a well, and when there's no power, there's no water. After I used what I'd stored, I had to haul it from work in a big container. Knowing that my refrigerator full of food was spoiling made it even more difficult. The peaceful haven I count on my little home to be was no longer peaceful, or a haven.

I had a small epiphany this week. Yes, I'm fortunate to live a life where I can count on electricity, running water, and other comforts. But at the same time, I need to acknowledge that I work very hard to provide those things for myself. It's up to me. So when I can't take a shower or flush the toilet, when most of my fresh food becomes inedible, and when I can't see to do much of anything, it's distressing. And I can stop apologizing for that, without diminishing the suffering and hardship that people all over the East Coast — and all over the world — are experiencing right now.

While there was a little bit of daylight on Sunday — in between the moments when I thought I might see Miss Gulch pass my window on her bicycle — I finished the giant swatch I started earlier in the week. It's more of a stitch sampler than a swatch. I worked out the math and the logistics for a shawl with an interesting bit of lace, and played with some lovely lace edges. When my Red Heirloom Tomato yarn arrives from Sundara, I'll begin figuring out how to make it all work on a larger scale. We shall see what becomes of all this swatching and figuring.

I began a pair of socks on Monday, when Kris told me to start something. He even told me what yarn to use (4-ply Organic Poll Dorset from Renaissance Dyeing) and what pattern to knit (Anne Hanson's Caterpillar Socks). I needed someone to tell me what to do by that point, so I'm glad he stepped in and gave me a shake.

Now onward, to Labor Day weekend and the reverse migration of the Summer People — those who haven't given up and gone home already, that is!

Untended

This picture says it all. Two months ago, the wisteria was just beginning to climb up my porch railing. Now, it claims my chair.

It's been the same sort of summer as usual: busy. I work long hours, shuffle back and forth between the bookstore and home, and marvel at how time is flying (or complain about how time seems to have stopped). Our website is a full-time job, and exciting. My head is filled with html and SEO, URL path settings and publishing options. My time is spent on updates and order processing, inventory upload files and shipping quotes. Above all, I keep in touch with books. Books and bookselling are still what I do.

There's been knitting. Free-range knitting. Dabbling. I finished my Saroyan weeks ago (Sundara Fingering Merino Cashmere). I'm working on a couple of pairs of socks, a little shawl experiment, and a few other things. It keeps me sane.

I've also been reading. This should not be remarkable, but it is. My reading mojo has been non-existent for a very, very long time. Tolstoy and the Purple Chair is a beautiful memoir by Nina Sankovitch. It's about her year of reading — a book a day, for 365 days — after the death of her sister. In an article in the New York Times, she said she was seeking answers about "how to live with sorrow and how to find my place in the world." I think I knew that books can provide those answers, but I didn't go to them. Nina Sankovitch's wonderful book has begun to lead me back. I'm reading one of the books on her list now: How to Paint a Dead Man by Sarah Hall.

Maybe reading is keeping me sane, too.

 ❧ Rosemary... Rosemary is a furry firecracker. She is fond of stuffed mousies, especially when they need to be attacked at the foot of the bed in the middle of the night. She doesn't keep me sane, but she makes life interesting.

Third time's the charm

When it was time to cast off the last stitch of my third Multnomah, I knew I was ready to move on. I love this pattern, though, and I know I'll make it again. And knitting with the beautiful Spirit Trail Nona — a blend of merino wool, cashmere, and bombyx silk — was like a dream. The color is a special one that Jen dyed just for me.

Today has been lovely and warm —a day to spend time in the sun — but I almost wish it was chilly enough to wrap this little shawl around my neck!

Sometimes old knitting comes back into your life. Sometimes it's welcome, sometimes it's something you hoped you'd never see again. This blanket fits into the first category. I made it for my niece, so long ago that I don't remember when. I recognize some of the yarn, but not all. It needed some repair, because it turns out that she loves it and uses it every day, so she brought it to me when we were together last month.

See the leaf in the middle? I knit two, one for the front and one for the back. I positioned them over the hole, which was pretty shredded, and sewed them together. I think it works! I mailed it to her the other day, and I can't wait to hear what she thinks.

I've moved on to other projects — right now it's a simple ribbed hat for a gift, using some Bijou Spun Himalayan Trail, which is yak and a little merino. Then I might get back to my cardigan. Or not. Whatever I have on the needles, it's keeping me sane.

Repetitive

String Theory Caper Sock "Oban"

At first, I was going to make just one Multnomah. I needed to knit something that was simple, soothing, and that made sense. Most of all, it had to help me as Annabelle was leaving. I knit and knit, with my little cat by my side. Before long it was finished, and it helped dry my tears.

Sundara Sock "Through the Woods"

Then I needed travel knitting as I went to see my mom, so I worked on some Hedgerow socks for my friend Reya. I'm still working on them. Somewhere in there I worked on an Allegan Cardigan from The Knitter's Book of Wool, but that's another story.

Sundara FSM "Beach Pebbles"

And then... I didn't know what to do when my mother died. One day, when my sisters and I were discussing ways we could "represent" our mom at the memorial service, we talked about her favorite colors. She loved blues and purples and the color that Crayola calls Periwinkle. We decided to wear a color that Gig would like, so it came to me — another Multnomah. I had the right yarn (it was already being made into this, but I frogged it without hesitation) and I had enough time (about ten days).

I loved every minute that I spent knitting. Again, it soothed me, gave me focus, and helped me to feel like I was doing something. On the day of the memorial, it felt so good to wear the little shawl that I'd made, along with my mother's pearl necklace.

I'm very grateful for Sundara and her artful colors. More than once — many times — she has created a color that becomes part of my story. My mother would have loved this Beach Pebbles Multnomah, too.

What am I working on now? I needed a project to take with me on my journey to the service and the wonderful visit I had with my family. It begins with an M and ends with an H...

Ten on Tuesday: Mood Lifters

This week's Ten on Tuesday is all about lightening your mood...

 1. Buy yourself a nice bouquet of flowers.

2. Get a little love from the cat. Even if she won't let you pick her up and give her a squeeze, she loves you.

3. Have some comfort food. One of my favorites is a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat, because my grandmother used to make it for us.

4. Enjoy a sunset by the water.

5. Watch a favorite movie. I like Meet Me in St. Louis, even when it's not Christmas time.

6. Listen to some good music that makes you smile. For me, that's The Weepies.

7. Rest. Don't climb into bed and never leave, just close your eyes for a little while. When I was sick I learned how to rest, and it's served me well. Our bodies and spirits need it, especially when we're overwhelmed or blue.

8. Look up.

9. Have a knitting-in-your-pajamas day.

10. Celebrate yourself. Don't ever forget to do that. ♥

Fiddling

It's in the air. I can feel it — summer is winding down. In just a few weeks it will be over. Are you sad? I'm not, much.

Because my job is so stressful during the summer, I always try to make a survival plan, but I rarely manage to carry it out. This year, though, I think it's working. I've been putting my feet up, getting plenty of sleep, and eating healthy summery foods. I've tried to keep my work hours on the normal side, and I take frequent breaks (even if I do still grab lunch while I'm working at my desk).

And, boy, have I been knitting! I don't knit every day; sometimes I come home, vegetate, and go to sleep just after dark. Sometimes I knit the evening away, and before I know it, it's past time to go to sleep. I have interesting projects going on, and lots of ideas, so knitting has kept me entertained all season.

After a few false starts and lots of grumbling, I settled on a pattern for my KBOW Woolalong project for this month. The August fiber is Shetland, so I ordered some DK Organic Shetland from Garthenor. I was a little impulsive about my choice, so I had a hard time finding a project that suited the yarn — I'll admit it, I was really cranky for a while on Thursday — but in the end I decided on Nora Gaughan's Here and There Scarf from Scarf Style (please excuse the cloudy day photo). So far, so good!

I also started a Stepping Stones Scarf in the same yarn I used for Herbivore. The leftover yarn was just sitting there, so what else was I supposed to do? I've been wanting to make another one of these for a long time, too. It will make a nice birthday/Christmas present for a friend.

I upgraded my blog's design this morning (you know, just because I thought it would be fun to spend a few hours tweaking CSS colors and bits of HTML code). I like it, but of course I'll find more to fiddle with. 

To make myself step away from the computer when I'd finished (but was still waffling on a few unimportant issues), I went into the kitchen and fiddled with a blueberry drop biscuit recipe. They turned out well. Baking with blueberries seems to be another part of my summer survival plan!

All grown up

This is a picture of five of my many nieces, taken in July 1991. I found it stashed in a drawer, and it's been making me smile. 

They're all grown up now, in their twenties, and out in the wide world. One even has a family of her own. They're remarkable women, and when I look at this picture I see it in their little-girl faces. I'm proud to be their auntie!

I blocked Herbivore this morning — it's been perfect blocking weather, comfortable and breezy — and it dried in no time.

I think I'll wear this scarf a lot this winter.

The rest of my Sunday off was spent enjoying the weather, knitting on a little baby hat for a friend, and relaxing. The August People have arrived, and it's nothing but full-on intensity at the bookstore from now until Labor Day. I can handle it as long as I have lots of simple knitting at my fingertips. I'm thinking about a Ruffled Baktus...

... Or Hawthorne, from the new issue of Twist, but it might be a bit complicated for this time of year. Plus, I was sure I had the yarn called for in my stash, but I must have been dreaming. Oh well.

Wishing you a week of perfect weather and knitting that never frustrates!