I’ve been reading the wonderful columns by Dana Jennings, who writes about his experience with prostate cancer for the New York Times. His words often -- almost always, in fact -- move me. Many times I’ve cried because in writing about himself, he’s written my own truth, and some of my own experience. His past couple of columns have been about returning to life and recovering.
Recuperation from cancer is mostly physical. I recuperated from surgery and radiation, and I’m still recuperating from chemotherapy. Cells divide, hair grows, strength returns. It’s a process, predictable and expected; not without its ups and downs, but nearly inevitable.But recovering, that’s a different matter. It’s not simple, not predictable. Every single person who has had cancer has a different recovery experience. And it will go on for a long, long time -- you don’t just wake up one day and say, “Well, that’s over and done with; all better now!” You climb, crawl, walk, stumble, until eventually you’re upright, and the road is smoother than it was before. I’m not on the way to becoming my old self, either. I’m creating a new self from the one who traveled that hard road full of unexpected twists, turns and roadblocks. I’m adding bits of my old life back, little by little. I choose familiar things as I encounter them -- a favorite shirt, a visit to the water, a comfortable position in which to fall asleep -- and add them to Jane, where they become part of me again. I decide to leave other things by the side of the road -- stuff that doesn’t matter, shoes that don’t fit, arguments that can’t be won.A couple of weeks ago I added a visit with my family. There were hugs and kisses for my little mother, who I hadn’t seen for a long, long time. There were laughter and tears with my sisters, my brother, and their families. My heart filled, and I felt something fall into place. Another bit, reclaimed, making Jane.~::~
My first knitting project of the new year was this Pretty Thing cowl in Bijou Spun Lace Weight Yak. I added one repeat to the pattern and used US 3 needles. It's more than just a pretty thing -- it's divine. I have Kris to thank for the yarn as well as the exquisite Herend experience (see the photo at the top of the post).
I love to decorate my Christmas tree. I have lots of ornaments, both old and not so old, but my tree is usually so small that I need to be very choosy. I start with the shiny ones, from the box that my mother labeled "Tiny Shiny." Then I move on to the sentimental ones, the bells, and the little sheep. Snow people populate the space underneath. It just makes me happy to perform this small ritual each year, especially when I don't feel like it, or think I don't have time for it. This year I got the tree in time to decorate it during the Blizzard of Ought-Nine.
Here's Main Street in Southampton on the morning after the snow, which shut everything down, including the bookstore. The Village crews had just begun to clear the street and sidewalk, and within about 45 minutes there were parking spaces and walkways so that business could get underway. Good thing, because I was in a knot over having to be closed for even one precious holiday shopping day!
I moved through the week on auto-pilot, seeming to survive on what I could find in the fridge and the cookies given to us by our customers (not entirely, but I did begin to notice that few of my meals contained actual vegetables).
Then it was Christmas Eve, which flew by in a blur (I think it might be a good thing that I blocked most of it out), and all of a sudden it was Christmas!
This is one of the gifts I opened in the morning -- a beautiful pillow made by my sister Sarah. She's been trying to figure out how to use some of the yards and yards of old lace trim that our mother had saved over the years. Some of it is really old, probably saved by her mother. This is a wonderful example of the quilting and sewing that my sister does, and I'm so happy to have another piece of her work, especially one that means so much to all of us.
I spent the rest of the day at Judy's house, enjoying Christmas with Judy, Ray, Michael, Rebecca, Rachel, and Louise. We had fun, ate not quite but almost too much, played with our new stuff (a GPS for me from Judy and Ray -- what a treat!), and enjoyed a pretty peaceful day.
Now that the holiday is over, and my knitted gifts have been received, I can post pictures of what I've been knitting. This is a Lacy Baktus scarf for my sister Ellen, made with String Theory's Nano superwash merino...
... and this is the One-Skein Shawl I made for my mom with some acrylic yarn (sorry, I don't know what it is) because it will have to be washed and dried in a machine. She loves it.
I'm still knitting the second of a pair of Hedgerow Mitts for Judy. When I finish it I'll post a photo. The yarn is the beautiful Sunna from Spirit Trail, a new blend of merino, cashmere, and silk. It's delicious.
And speaking of delicious, here's a picture of my lunch (especially for Clara). Peanut butter and cherry jam on two challah clouds. Don't worry, I'm having vegetables for dinner!
We didn't get snow today, but it rained enough to make the day look like this -- dark. It was a good day to knit, though!
I'm working on a few Christmas gifts, so I can't show you anything I'm doing, but it's all wonderful. I'm still in post-Retreat knitting bliss mode. I have so many ideas and plans for 2010... The other day I looked into the bottom of one of the many bags I brought home with me, and what do you know, there are four skeins of Foxfire Fiber Cormo Alpaca Lace in there! I can't wait to sink my needles into it! I have two colors, natural brown and a lovely lavender. I know I'll find the right pattern for one or both, but first I need some free time.
Time is a precious commodity at this time of year. I seem to spend most of mine on work, thinking about work, or resting up to go to work. It's a short holiday season, so frenzy is the best way to describe it. I had to update the bookstore blog today, which is something I enjoy, but haven't had the time to really make it what we want it to become. Working on it on my day off is not my first choice, but at least it's done for now. One of these days it will be something I'm really proud of!
I'm actually enjoying the idea of Christmas this year -- unlike last year, when I crawled through it and the surrounding months. I'm looking forward to my annual shopping trip with Judy and the Remarkable R's, which we're going to squeeze in this Sunday. Today is the girls' sixteenth birthday (!!!), and there's a party on Saturday to celebrate it, along with the birthday of Judy's Wonderful Ray. It's going to be a busy weekend!
Now that my day off is almost over, I think I'll spend the evening working on something special, and thinking about making a batch of salty-sweet pecans. All I need is the recipe, which is in a book at work. If they're as good as they look, I'll let you know!
